In the beginning there was nothing.
Then, there was Boog.
On the first day, Boog said, "Boog" and created the universe and everything in it. He said "There is only one day. It is Boog. There is only one month. It is the Month of Boog. There is one Year. It is Boog. Everything is Boog. There was only one comandment that trumped every law of the land: Thou shalt not was thy hair; all those who oppose will suffer great punishment.
So Boog created humanity. All was well until that fateful day; the day shampoo was inveneted. It seemed as though Boog's creations ahd gone against his one and only holy guidance. Everyone loved this, except Boog of course; the smell of clean hair made him sneeze. Around the year of Boog, or roughly 10 million B.C., Boog finally had enough. He decided to summon a great deluge to crush the infidels and bring peace to the Earth. However, there was one man. There was one good man that still held the favor of Boog. He lived in the desert, where he didn't have any water to wash his hair. Everyone else had moved out of the desert to live in the suburbs, but he faithfully stayed in the desert to take care of his pet cactus. His name was Gairrrrv.
On the day of Boog, in the month of Boog, in the year of Boog, Boog descended from the heavens and spoke to all the people of the Earth. He said,
"I am Boog. I will bring a flood to destroy the infidels and carry my true followers up to Heaven. All my true believers, build a boat, and allow my flood to carry you up to my divine kingdom!"
He said this to all of his children, all of them except Gairrrrv. He sent a dream to Gairrrrv to build a farm with two of each animal in the world in it. He told Gairrrrv he had 7 days.
7 days later, on the day of Boog, Boog opened up the sky and dropped the waters of Heaven onto the entire Earth. All the infidels were waiting in their boats, which immediately filled with water in the torrential rain and sunk. It rained for 90 years, and the Earth was covered miles deep in water.
Only Gairrrrv was spared. When the water was up to Gairrrrv's waist, Boog sent down a divine 700 cubit tall Michael Phelps. Gairrrrv loaded all the animals onto Michael Phelps's back, and got onto his head. Michael Phelps spread his arms and swam through the air, which was so thick with water that he could paddle through it like a pool, and swam up to heaven. 90 years later, Boog lit up the sky with the sign of a dove, for peace, and the floodwaters receded.
The rain was so heavy that after 90 years Gairrrrv's hair had never started to dry. He stood over the damp Earth and shook his head dry. the oily droplets from his hair fell upon the Earth and became babies, these babies, coming from oil, would forever have oily hair therefore granting each citizen of Earth sainthood. Boog sent all the animals back down to Earth, and made Gairrrrv his immortal second in command.
10 million years later, after humans had become civilized enough, Gairrrrv descended from the Heavens to tell his story. He said "The moral of my story is, don't wash your hair, and don't displease those who are more powerful than you. Also, unless you want eternal damnation, you should share your wives with Boog, and spill the blood of the infidels. In 2,016 years, Boog will descend from Heaven and smite the infidels, and carry all his true believers up to Heaven".
That is the story of the flood.